I had an appointment with my eye specialist yesterday, to see how things were going (progressing, deteriorating) with my Retinitis Pigmentosa. After 34 years of these types of appointments, I confess I went into it a little annoyed.
Annoyed at having RP. Annoyed that I have to take three hours of my day to sit in a doctor’s office. Annoyed that I have to have my eyes dilated. Annoyed that I have to sit through another Visual Field exam. Annoyed that after I told my doctor that I *have* noticed a difference in the narrowing of my peripheral vision, he responded with, “I supposed you *could* have noticed a difference, but I don’t see much of a change on your visual field results.” Ugh. Not *could*, doctor. *DO* – I *do* notice a difference.
Annoyed that my yearly Visual Field results are usually met with the same reaction – “Not much of a change.” Really? Not much of a change? Then how did I go from daylight driving 10 years ago to using a cane now? How did I go from trick-or-treating as a kid to dreading any dimly lit settings now?
They – the people in charge – only seem interested in the year-to-year charted differences on paper. While I, the 38-year old living, breathing woman, am only interested in how this is impacting my life. There’s a bit of a discord there, and it leaves me feeling a little… annoyed.
In the end, I do realize that it’s not the doctor’s fault that I’m annoyed. He’s just doing his job, and he’s actually a nice guy who will show you a magic trick if you ask (even if you are 38-years old). Everyone who works in that office is wonderful too, which I why I don’t mind going, because it’s actually kind of fun seeing all of them personally and saying hello. But I’m not there for a social visit.
And, in the end, I realize the “annoyance” I feel is a choice. I can choose to be annoyed by this, and many other unpleasant things in my life, but what’s the point? It usually takes me a day or two after the appointment to get over the negative feelings, but then I remember all of the blessings that have come from my vision loss. And that is what keeps me going, praise God.
Retinitis Pigmentosa sucks. It really sucks. There are some days where you just have to allow yourself to acknowledge that, and maybe even wallow in it for a day or two. But then you have a choice. Do you choose to continue to wallow? Or do you pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and remember how incredibly lucky you are that you can still see the magic tricks that come your way?
Luci Walks 